Dear Roe,

I hope you can give me some guidance, although I am keeping some details vague to protect my privacy. I am in my thirties and this year I met my partner who is wonderful. They make me very happy and we both said we can see a future together. But this month I was told that I would be a shoo-in for a career opportunity that would require a move out of the country for at least a year and a half, with the possibility of extending it by another three years. The offer is exciting and would be a great move for me professionally, but I’m also nervous about moving to another country. My partner cannot move with me due to his own work and family obligations. I am torn about what to do. I know that what I have with my partner is special and that I have been looking for love for a long time. I know if I stayed we could build a wonderful life here, while there are a lot of unknowns about moving. On the other hand, this is a really great opportunity that I would definitely take if I hadn’t met my partner, and I’m worried about giving up a big career move for a relationship that doesn’t come with guarantees. We could do long distance, and if the move was definitely only for 18 months, we’d be fine, but the possibility of it being longer seems too long. I’m worried that I’m making the wrong decision and regretting it. How do I know which is the right choice?

Joni Mitchell has a song Hejirawhere she sings, “You know it ain’t never been easy/ Whether you do or don’t resign/ Whether you travel the breadth of extremities/ Or hold on to a straighter line.” It was never easy. It will never be easy. No plan we make for our lives will ever be without struggles, challenges, or upsets. So how about freeing ourselves from the illusion of right and wrong decisions and the black and white thinking it perpetuates and the intense pressure it can create.

You can stay or you can go. None of the plans will end with you being completely happy, and there will be moments along each path where you will doubt yourself and feel some feelings of regret. Each path will have its own unique struggles, challenges, and difficulties. The choice isn’t between a “right” and a “wrong” path – the choice is how hard do you want it? What values ​​do you want to embrace and feel true to even when life feels difficult? In 50 years, when you look back on your life, what path will you be able to look back on and say, “I made some sacrifices and I struggled, but I made a choice that felt like it was leading me?”

( “I’m falling in love with a man who just got out of a 12-year relationship – and he’s still living with his ex”Opens in a new window )

Focusing on yourself will look and feel different for everyone, depending on what you value (or what you value at this point in your life; this may change over time, and that’s okay). Turning to yourself can feel like safety, like commitment, like staying where you are and building something with someone you love. Or it might feel like challenging yourself, pushing yourself, getting out of your comfort zone and the growth that comes with new experiences. These are not always binary choices; sometimes staying still with someone you love is safety and commitment, but it also marks a new experience that requires emotional courage that will take you out of your comfort zone. Moving to a new country may be a new experience in many ways, but leaving a relationship before it’s fully developed is a familiar pattern. Think about your options independently of each other; pretend that the other option does not exist. When you think about staying in Ireland and living with your partner, how does this option make you feel? Don’t just think about how much you love your partner, think about the whole package – like living here, working here, committing to a life here? What parts of you excite and bring to life? Are these the best parts of you?

Now think about the difficulties you will encounter along the way, practical and emotional. Think about how your career will feel. And understanding that there are never guarantees in life and that your relationship may or may not survive in the long run, think about how you will feel about yourself after making a big career sacrifice for love – does that align with your values ? Will it be brave, hopeful, like you value love and connection and personal fulfillment over work? Or will it feel like a diminution, a sacrifice, a loss of commitment and personal development?

Now think about the option to go, considering which parts of you feel excited and alive. Think about the inevitable challenges and opportunities for growth that will come with moving to a new country. If it turns out to be harder than expected or your career doesn’t go exactly as planned, you’ll be able to stand by your decision to end a year-long but special relationship to try something new and challenging in a new place ? Will this feel like a move toward self-development that you’ll be proud to have made, regardless of the outcome? Or will you regret putting the emphasis on your career over your connection?

If you make a choice, love or career, how will you honor your passion for the other? If you stay, can you still build a career that is exciting and challenging and fulfilling? If you go, can you still cherish connection and love while remaining open to new friendships and romance?

( “My girlfriend has serious trust issues. I stopped mentioning women, even in passing.Opens in a new window )

You don’t have to know how things will turn out, and you don’t have to put yourself under pressure to make a choice that is without consequence or struggle. All you have to do is make a decision that feels right for what you want for your life, think about how hard you want it, and trust that you can handle the struggles ahead.

I don’t have an opinion on which path is better for you – I couldn’t. I don’t know what you want or need from your life right now or what path would bring you closer to you. Only you can know that – and even then, you’ll have to accept that maybe if the choice had been presented to you five years ago or five years in the future, your choice would have been different, and that’s okay. Make the best decision possible with the information you have now and commit to that choice.

Which brings me to a gut feeling about your choice, which of course you’re free to ignore, but I’ll give it to you anyway: make a choice and get it right instead of doing two things wrong. I’ve been in long-distance relationships, and they can be beautiful and meaningful—but only if they actively add to your present and future life, not detract from it. Staying in this relationship while moving to another country for one or maybe four years will prevent you from properly committing to either. You won’t be able to jump into life and think about building a future in this new place if the opportunity arises, and you won’t be able to grow in the relationship like you could if you were living together and building a life.

Life will always be exciting and hard and full of wonder and disappointment. Choose the exciting and wonderful choice that feels the most like loving yourself, and choose the hard thing that feels most rewarding. good luck