No amount of meeting hacks can fix a workplace culture that lacks intention and care for its people. When we focus on the latest dating hack or changes to the dating structure (icebreakers, anyone?), we overlook the main issue. Think: Have you ever had a bad date that was? only about the format of the meeting or when the agenda was sent? There was probably something deeper at play. Let’s stop blaming meetings and start reflecting on the values ​​that create these soul-sucking gatherings.

An intentional encounter

Source: Jaël Vallée / Unsplash

The power of dating

In my 15 years in government, I have attended and chaired countless meetings, including the absurd meetings to plan future meetings. Through the good, the bad, and the ugly, I’ve come to realize that meetings are, as organizational expert Priya Parker says, “carriers of culture.” It’s not just about sharing tasks; if you care about workplace culture, you must care about dating.

Council Meeting Limits

There is no shortage of books on how to run effective meetings—Death by encounter and The surprising science of dating come to mind. And, yes, I recognize the thick irony in offering salvation from bad dates myself. But here’s what most advice misses: techniques can’t solve cultural problems. Making room for input or renewing agendas means nothing if the leaders don’t really care about the people in the room. A meeting that ends on time but leaves people feeling unheard is still a bad meeting.

Simple ways to improve your meetings

There are no easy ways to improve dating.

The real way to improve dating: intention

In her book The art of gatheringPriya Parker emphasizes that successful dating is driven by intention, not polished techniques. It all starts with defining a purpose that resonates with everyone, whether it’s fostering connection, gathering meaningful feedback or encouragement. collaboration. So ask yourself: What is my purpose in using people’s precious time to meet? What can we achieve together that we could not achieve alone?

When you are clear about these answers, structure decisions become easier. For example, techniques such as “Rose, Bud, Thorn” or one-word check-ins can be powerful for eliciting concerns, but only if the intention is to highlight participants’ feelings. Similarly, sending agendas in advance can give team members a chance to prepare. But this is useless if a decision has already been made.

Intention creates shared responsibility. When meetings are rooted in a clear purpose, the pressure on leaders to get every detail perfect is lessened. Impeccable facilitation or rigid agendas matter less because participants feel invested. They recognize that a “good date” is a collective achievement, not a burden to leader alone to bear.

Why are we meeting?

Let’s explore three people-centric intentions: feedback, collaboration, and connection.

1. Feedback: Real-time learning. Meetings can gather feedback to help make smarter decisions. But feedback diminishes when leaders are defensive or dismissive. A recent meeting I attended used an anonymous feedback tool. As we all used our phones to give suggestions, this look open and inclusive but awkward comments were passed over and there was no follow up leaving me disappointed.

Here’s a rule: only ask questions if you really care about the answers. As the poet Mark Nepo says, listening is “a willingness to be changed by what you hear.” If you’re really open to feedback, even a meeting without an agenda, as scary as it sounds, or using stone-age post-it notes can lead to meaningful conversations and leave participants feeling connected, even when the decision the finale does not please everyone. .

2. Collaboration: 1+1=3. Meetings can tap into the collective brainpower of a group, but that doesn’t happen by itself. Take routine updates: Sharing information is important, but people are talking TO each other does not produce collaboration.

I learned this the hard way while leading a weekly coordination meeting. I did most of the talking, telling myself that would be more effective. But all it did was set a passive tone. The round-robin updates were robotic, and my invitation for questions at the end was met with crickets.

What worked better was to set an interactive tone early on—engaging other voices early, pausing to ask a follow-up question about accomplishments, and encouraging people to build on ideas. When meetings are designed to involve everyone, they can.

3. Connection: We need each other. Whether it’s celebrating success or learning about team members’ unique gifts, meetings can foster trust and a sense of belonging. This is vital for high performance and resistant teams: As psychologist Gabor Maté observed, “Psychological safety is not the absence of threat, but the presence of connection.”

But the connection must be genuine, not an afterthought. True appreciation, for example, is specific and personal—not a generic “Thank you for everything.” Icebreakers are fine, but insincerity is easy to spot and instead of connecting teams, it generates eyerolls. Quick Quiz: Have you ever followed up with an icebreaker response after the meeting to show you really listened and cared?

An item on the agenda

You’ve probably heard the phrase “No agenda, no participation.” But here’s my take: Common Purpose eats agendas for breakfast.

I recently almost canceled a virtual meeting because there were no urgent items on the agenda. Instead, I decided to reframe it as an optional moment of connection. To my surprise, almost everyone showed up and the conversation flowed effortlessly. We talked about everything from book clubs to Dungeons & Dragons, and some of the quieter team members were the most animated. There was no official agenda, but a clear purpose: to connect as people – and it worked.

Take away? In today’s hybrid work era, where spontaneous water-cooler conversations are rare, we need more meetings designed to build genuine relationships, not just check off action items. Here’s something to explore: A colleague recently told me about her team’s “gosh” meetings, where the only rule is to not talk about work.

Meetings people want to attend

Meetings are sacred. Yes, our time is valuable, but in an era of social isolationthey offer powerful opportunities to connect and achieve what we cannot do alone. We’ve all endured bad dates — provocative article headlines aside — but the real problem lies in workplace culture, not the dates themselves. With a people-centered purpose, we might even—gasp—find ourselves looking forward to our next date.