Our culture loves to celebrate marriage and what it stands for: love, happiness, unity and continuity till death do you part. But for some, marriage was more for convenience than anything else.

This is not really surprising, given the current political disturbances (some people get divorced because of the different political views of their partners), the absolute mess that dating apps have becomeand the increasing difficulty of maintaining sufficient cash to pay for a life worth living. (And let’s not forget after the COVID lockdown.)

SEE ALSO: Forget the slow burn, Gen Z loves a failed marriage

These challenges, among others, have led some members of Generation Zers (hereafter referred to as young people born between the late 1990s and early 2010s) to opt for alternative arrangements, including “lavender marriages” – unions originally reserved for LGBTQ community.

What is a lavender marriage?

The term “lavender marriage” dates back to the early 20th century. Originally, it referred to a heterosexual marriage between one or two LGBTQ people.

“Lavender marriages have been around for decades, originally as a way to keep a low profile—especially for people hiding their sexual orientation in eras and industries where being ‘out’ wasn’t an option,” Channa Bromley, PhD, and founder of the company. THE Metamorphose Relationship Coaching Institute (MRCI) says Mashable.

These marriages were rampant in Hollywood in the 1920swhen actors and actresses were pressured by “morality clauses” (introduced by the Universal Film Company, according to History) to maintain appearances. Some famous examples include Rock Hudson’s marriage to Phyllis Gates and Barbara Stanwyckhis marriage to Robert Taylor.

In the 1930s, William Hainesone of the most popular silent film stars at the time, she rejected the demands of Hollywood (especially Louis B. Mayer, head of the MGM studio) and left her career to live with her lover, Jimmie Shields. Haines is said to be one of the the first openly gay actors in Hollywood.

It wasn’t until the late 1960s and 1970s, with the rise of the gay rights movement as a result of Stonewall riotsthat the LGBTQ community might begin to be more open about their identity. Former President Bill Clinton signed a executive order in 1998 to prohibit discrimination in employment based on sexual orientation.

Redefining the ‘I’ – Lavender Marriages in the 21st Century

Lavender marriages may have roots in the LGBTQ community, but Gen Z has decided to adopt the term in a new context.

“Flash forward and we have Gen Z reimagining this concept, but with their own twist,” says Bromley. “For a generation facing high living costs and social isolation, lavender marriages have evolved into something that is not just about hiding, but about creating stability, connection and shared support.”

In an October Business Insider In the article, writer Lindsay Dodgson says Gen Zers are “redefining” lavender marriages because they’re “sick of being hurt, alone, and alone.” The hashtag #lavendermarriage caught on millions of views on TikTok, with Gen Z users posting video ads for potential lavender marriage partners.

“Gen Z rejects the standard marriage plan, focusing instead on shared goals: financial security, reliable companionship and a partner who is prepared to face life’s ups and downs without necessarily being ‘the one,'” Bromley adds. “In a world where the love script doesn’t fit everyone’s story, these modern lavender marriages are a radical way to rethink relationships – less about the fairy tale, more about building a stable, lasting life with someone who gets it. “

This evolved interpretation of lavender marriages has similarities to queer platonic partnerships (QPP). Like lavender marriages, QPPs focus on deep emotional connection and commitment, but without the romantic or sexual expectations of traditional relationships. Both arrangements offer a way to build intimate, supportive bonds that defy conventional labels and expectations.

Potential benefits

Moving in with your friend and splitting the bills doesn’t sound too shabby, and more people are in place Reddit they talked about the advantages of a marriage with lavender, such as:

• Sharing the cost of health insurance and other living expenses

• Having a built-in support system, babysitter (if you’re a parent) and a wing person

• Someone to help around the house (that I can afford now)

• Being able to sleep in your own bed and have your own space while enjoying the perks of being a couple

• To feel safe and protected from abusive or controlling partners

This type of arrangement could also benefit people on asexual Spectrum, Suzannah Weiss, relationship coach and resident sexologist for Sex Shop Birdsays Mashable.

“They may experience some level of attraction or desire, but it may not be a priority for them when choosing their relationships or living situation,” she says. “A lavender marriage can give this type of person the companionship they’re looking for without the pressure of being romantic or sexual with someone.”

Some lavender couples might choose a monogamous setup, while others might opt ​​for an open relationship.

“Love can take many forms and should be enjoyed in whatever form you can find it in,” says Weiss. “People value different things in their relationships, and if they value emotional intimacy over physical or romantic intimacy, this might be a good arrangement for them,” she continues. “Someone who is not monogamous might also enter into a lavender marriage for financial, citizenship, or compatibility reasons and continue to date and additionally seek out different types of connections.”

Potential disadvantages

Even though the unofficial slogan “marry your best friend” sounds nice, lavender marriages aren’t always as simple as the social media hype might lead you to believe.

Lavender marriages can be emotionally risky, especially if you’re not upfront about your expectations and boundaries from the start.

Even if you enter into a purely platonic and/or non-monogamous arrangement, there is a chance that one or both partners will develop romantic feelings, complicating the arrangement and potentially leading to heartbreak. While heartbreak can certainly happen in a “traditional marriage,” the stakes are probably higher if the goal is to get married for practical reasons. Not to mention the jealousy that could arise if one partner starts dating someone else, even if it’s “technically” allowed, and you hide your true feelings.

SEE ALSO: As Grindr complaints mount, other gay dating apps are trying to get in

If things don’t work out, you will have to divorce for real and you may lose the friendship. And depending on how badly the “breakup” goes, there is a risk of being outed – especially if the marriage of convenience was intended for its original purpose of hiding the sexual orientation of one or both partners and they were not friends pre-approached (like those TikTokers looking for partners).

“The two most important aspects of the relationship, should it ever end, are the division of assets and confidentiality,” said the family law and divorce attorney. Yonatan Levoritz says Mashable. “No one wants to be outed by their spouse or best friend who was once the protector of their most precious secret — their sexuality,” he says.

Levoritz recommends establishing clear legal agreements with strong confidentiality clauses to avoid this train wreck.

Why lavender marriages are less healthy and more worrying than anything else

Lavender marriages are in many ways a symptom of a deeply flawed system fueled by an unstable economy and lack of social support. Housing expenses, stagnant – or declining – wagesand unattainable healthcare they push people to bend over backwards and give up true intimacy with someone (who should be your best friend in the first place, IMO) in order to survive.

And it’s not just the financial struggles; it’s also about safety. Many times, women can’t even walk down the street without it fear of harassment or assaultand the sad reality is that intimate partner violence is common: one in three women and one in four men are victims of physical violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Almost all of them (99 percent) of domestic violence cases involve financial abusesuch as preventing the victim from working or hiding money, according to the National Network to End Domestic Violence. In a world where only existing it can feel dangerous, a lavender marriage, even without romance, it might seem as a way to find some security and avoid these risks.

If basic needs like housing, food, and healthcare were more accessible—and we lived in a society that valued community, connection, and healthy relationships instead of ghost, biscuitand catfishing — perhaps the younger generation wouldn’t be so eager to settle for a solution.

The bottom line

Lavender marriages might seem convenient, but that doesn’t mean they’re risk-free. If you’re considering entering a lavender marriage, make sure you’re on the same page with your partner about expectations, boundaries, and exit plans.

If you have been sexually abused, call the toll-free, confidential National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or access 24-7 online help by visiting online.rainn.org.