Learning how to break up with someone you love is a difficult thing to do, especially if you see signs of an unhealthy relationship. Let’s face it: ending any relationship is difficult, but adding dysfunctional elements to one makes it even more difficult. The good news? You can master your “breakup skills” by learning these five lessons.

Five breakup skills to master so you can leave your ex behind

1. Stop looking for “closure” in the form of mutual understanding

In a healthy relationship, an ending should include a mutual understanding of the reasons for the breakup, even if each of you has different motivations.

Ideally and often, this can include feelings of goodwill toward each other and an appreciation for what was good about the relationship and/or what was learned in the successes and failures of the relationship.

A toxic relationship, by definition, lacks mutual understanding, ongoing mutual empathy, and a fair and mutual assumption of responsibilities. that supported by the opera Nazaria Solferino and M. Elisabetta Tessitore. Consequently, you know that the breakup will look different than a healthy breakup.

People who are naturally fair, empathetic and willing to accept responsibility are often caught in the loop in search of a healthy ending that doesn’t exist. Accept that fact and move on.

2. Spend some time away from the relationship dynamic

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Remember what’s on the other side of a breakup. People who end toxic relationships are almost always surprised by how relieved and better they feel.

The irony of a toxic relationship is that when you’re in it, you can’t see it. This reality is troubled by self-doubt, loss of self-esteem, and confusion.

Adelle Forth, Ph.D., et al. explore how people in toxic relationships often imagine that life will be unbearable without the relationship. In some abusive relationships, one person has intentionally suggested that the other will never find love, doesn’t deserve love, and will be unhappy or lost without them.

Some time away from the dynamics of the toxic relationship it will help you put reality into perspective and remind you that life will be better on the other side of the breakup.

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3. Reach out to your support system to let healthy friends know what you’re going through

Remind your support system that you need active reminders about why the relationship is unhealthy for you and what you have to gain by going through the breakup.

you support system it can help you maintain direction and momentum during times of confusion, self-doubt, and second-guessing.

Again, because a toxic relationship will lower your self-esteem, cloud your judgment, and often cause depression, you need external sources of motivation, encouragement, and clarity because discussed in the studies of European Journal of Psychology.

Lean on people you trust and who understand the transition you are going through. Actively ask these people for the reminders that keep you on track.

4. Send a clear but simple message to your soon-to-be ex

Once you have the clarity and support to end the relationship with a toxic person, send a clear and simple message. Again, resist the urge to “talk” or find mutual understanding.

A message like “I feel like we should both break up and I want to do it now” is simple.

When naming why you are making this decision, consider the fact that the relationship is not working with mutual respect and understanding, and that you do not believe that additional efforts will help the relationship achieve this goal.

The reason for keeping it simple is that the details can be used to tie you back into a toxic cycle of guilt and deviation.

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5. Set and maintain very clear boundaries with your now ex

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When any relationship ends, boundaries are redefined. When ending a toxic relationship, these boundaries need to be clearer and provide more distance, as suggested by Veronica R Barrios, Ph.D., et. al.

For example, a healthy breakup can lead to an amicable friendship or acquaintance. When ending a toxic relationship, cut off any communication that isn’t absolutely necessary (such as co-parenting, joint business relationships, etc.)

When you cut off communication, you give yourself the best opportunity to experience what life is like without the toxic cycle. This will further motivate you to move forward in your life and make healthier connections.

This may seem counterintuitive because upon reflection, ending a relationship with someone who is not good for you may seem like a no-brainer. But the surprising reality is that breaking up with someone you love who is toxic usually involves more mixed feelings and doubts than breaking up with a healthier one.

The reason for this lies in our healthy desire to mend, mend and make peace with the people we are connected to. In toxic relationships, this instinct is thwarted.

If two people in a relationship treat each other fairly, they are actually able to reasonably understand why they should end a relationship. This conclusion is harder to reach when the relationship is unhealthy.

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In unhealthy relationships, nothing is clear – and that won’t change

There is a great deal of manipulation, often involving gaslighting, denial and disproportionate blame. When these manipulation techniques are used by one or two people, neither person feels they can see clearly what the real problem is.

This perpetual disturbance can make it difficult to trust your own perceptions. It can also lead you back into these cloudy waters again and again, seeking clarity, justice, and reciprocity that always seem beyond your reach.

If you find yourself in this dynamic and yet truly seek understanding and fairness, you will be frustrated!

The more toxic the relationship, the more absolute you need to be about your boundaries and distance.

If you know you’re in an unhealthy relationship and need to end it, get support to find your clarity and plan. Don’t linger; your health is at risk. If your house was on top of a toxic landfill, you’d move quickly! Do the same here and don’t be afraid to ask for help doing it.

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Dr. Perrin Elisei is a psychologist, psychoanalyst, author and teacher who helps clients get to the root and heal their relationship difficulties.