Regardless of who you are, what kind of sex you like to have, or who you like to have it with, the concept of being a part—the secondary ethos, if you will—holds a very important perspective that is worth considering for those who do sex. of all kinds. In decentring penetrative intercourse as the be-all and end-all of what constitutes “real” sex, the sideset (sideset?) mindset embodies a non-hierarchical, less goal-oriented approach to pleasure, in which all forms of erotic touch and play are given equal value— what something is everyone can benefit in bed.

Read on for everything you need to know about what it means to be straight, how it’s done, and why the term is so important—not just to gay men who identify with it, but to sexuality as a whole.

What is a part?

TL;DR: “One side is someone, usually a gay man, who doesn’t enjoy giving or receiving penetrating anal sex as their primary form of pleasure or intimacy,” says certified sex therapist Casey Tanner, an expert on Lelo. “Unlike people who identify as tops or bottoms to signify their preferred role during anal penetration, those who identify as sides often report that they get the most pleasure from activities such as oral sex, handicrafts, rimmingmutual masturbation and more.”

What do sides like in bed?

Short answer: parts can literally involve any sexual activity other than penetrative sex (especially penetrative anal sexin the traditional gay male context of the term). But what exactly any given part does can look wildly different from, well, one part to another.

“While the parties are united by their desire not to be bound by expectations for anal sex, other sexual preferences vary greatly from person to person,” says Tanner. “Activities the parties might enjoy include oral sex, mutual masturbation, kissing, rubbing, bdsmand/or more verbal forms of sexual intimacy.”

Kort notes that while sides are not, by definition, into anal penetration, some may still enjoy other anal activities, such as rimming, or even giving or receiving penetration with fingers or toys.

Can sides still have anal/penetrative sex?

While the defining characteristic of a party is not giving or receiving anal sex, this, like all things sex, is on a spectrum. According to Kort, some parts can also identify as versemeaning they may be interested in going over or bottoming out at times or under certain circumstances.

“For example, one party might feel uninterested in exploring penetration with new partners, but open to incorporating it with someone they’re dating long-term,” Tanner explains. “Comfort with penetration can depend on the location of the sex, the emotional connection between the partners, or how someone is feeling on any given day.”

Tanner also notes that, as with any sexual preference or identity, one’s relationship with being one, or how one experiences or defines that identity, can change over time—and that’s perfectly fine! Remember, labels exist to make people feel seen and included, not to pigeonhole anyone into a certain identity.

Who can be a party?

The term was coined for gay men and remains primarily associated with that community, but anyone of any gender or sexuality who does not consider penetrative intercourse part of their sex life can identify with the term.

“While the term ‘part’ originated primarily in gay men’s communities, the identity has also gained traction among others who are most fulfilled by forms of intimacy outside of penetrative sex,” says Tanner. “In the wider gay community, for example, some find the term useful to describe certain sex roles, boundaries or preferences beyond sexual orientation.”

As our understanding of the many forms that sex and sexuality can take continues to grow and change both personally and socially, so do the words we use to talk about it. “Language around sexuality is constantly evolving, and we’ll likely continue to see terms that originate in one community be adopted by others in ways that feel aligned to them,” says Tanner.

And this fluidity of language mirrors the fluidity of the identities and experiences it describes.

“For many, being part means embracing what feels good without feeling pressured to follow a conventional script,” says Tanner. “This pleasure-centered approach to sex lends itself to more conjunctive, relaxed, and intimate experiences between partners, regardless of the identities of those involved.”

Which I think everyone, parties and otherwise, can get involved with.

Kayla Kibbe (she/her) is Associate Sex & Relationship Editor at Cosmopolitan US, where she covers all things sex, love, dating and relationships. She lives in Astoria, Queens and probably won’t stop talking about how great it is if you bring it up. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram.