Plus, how to explore some alternatives.

Relations they come in all shapes and sizes, but it can be difficult to imagine a world beyond the confines of monogamy when it comes to love. Unlike platonic friendships, romantic partnerships are expected to be one-on-one duets with little or no wiggle room for other participants. But what if it wasn’t meant to be? The truth is that monogamy is not the only “right” way to be in a relationship, and in fact there are many alternatives.

Being in multiple relationships with varying levels of intimacy is a fact of life, and this variation can extend to your love life as well. Understanding how, exactly, to explore an ethical, non-monogamous relationshiphowever, that is another matter entirely. Before, I did the taping Rachel Wrighta licensed psychotherapist, sex educator, and relationship expert to break down the signs that monogamy might not be for you.

The Mold of Monogamy

Compulsory monogamy is also all around us. The culture of compulsory monogamy assumes that everyone strives to be married (or partnered) to/with one person and finds complete fulfillment in that romantic endeavor. It’s the idea that this romantic partner not only completes us, but fulfills every need and desire we have. (FYI, even if you do you want a partner, it is still impossible for that person to satisfy all your needs).

Many people who are just beginning to navigate their sexual desires and romantic relationships are taught that monogamy is only the relationship structure at their disposal. As a polyamorous sex therapist, I believe that when someone knows their options for relationship structures, they can decide what feels best for them.

Knowing that non-monogamy is an option doesn’t mean it will be for everyone – it simply allows people to decide what relationship structure and boundaries work for them, while removing the shame some may feel when they it’s hard to fit into the pattern of monogamy. .

It is very important to note that practicing monogamy does not put you on a higher moral ground than someone who practices ethical non-monogamy (ENM). Practicing ENM does not put you on a higher moral ground than someone who is monogamous. The structure of your relationship is just that. How you treat other people determines your moral ground, not the structure of your relationship. Trust that everyone is making the best informed decision for what feels best their life.

What is ethical non-monogamy?

Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term for all relationships where all partners are aware of the dynamic and agree to the partner(s) either dating or having sex outside of the relationship. Some of the ways people can practice ethical non-monogamy are foreign sex, polyamory, casual hookups, relationship anarchy, Rockingand friends with benefits.

Ethical non-monogamy myths

Quite a few myths surround ethical non-monogamy, so let’s address the stigmas before we dive in.

Ethical non-monogamy means cheating.

Non-ethical non-monogamy is cheating. Cheating is the non-monogamy part without communication or consent. Anytime we are not honest with people who trust us, it is unethical.

Something is wrong or missing in the “primary” relationship.

Practicing ENM actually brings people closer, presents many new challenges, and is not meant as a “goodbye” to save a relationship. Ideally, and from what I have seen in my practice, most people who decide to try or practice ENM are perfectly happy together. In the same way that a single person ideally needs to be a complete person before entering into a relationship, a couple will have more success and healthier relationships if they are solid and happy.

Ethical non-monogamy is an excuse not to commit.

Reality check: Commitment doesn’t necessarily mean genital exclusivity, and everyone’s definition of commitment is different. Just as you can be committed to multiple friendships, you can be committed to multiple romantic relationships—and there’s nothing wrong with being single, whether you identify as monogamous or not.

Ethical non-monogamy is about sex.

For some, yes, and that’s perfectly fine. For most, ENM is complicated because of our compulsively monogamous culture, and these complications are “too much” for “just sex”. It’s also a naive understanding of ENM to begin with – we don’t assume monogamous people are only together for sex, so it’s silly to assume the same with ENM.

Ethical non-monogamy cannot work in the long run.

There are so many happy ENM people, couples, groups, quads and families living all over the world. However, because of the compulsively monogamous culture we live in, we just don’t hear much about it.

Signs that monogamy isn’t right for you

Now that we’ve defined what ethical non-monogamy is and isn’t, let’s talk about the signs that monogamy may not be the best relationship design for you. (and that you may be wired for ethical non-monogamy!) Please note that this list is not comprehensive. Also, each person is wired differently, so remember to take extra care and use compassion with yourself. and with others when you think about these things.

You have a history of “serial monogamy”.

A serial monogamist is most comfortable in committed relationships. They have a series of monogamous relationships and usually don’t take breaks between relationships to be single or casually date. This is the closest thing to ENM that exists while still practicing monogamy. Usually, when a serial monogamist ends one relationship to move on, it’s because they want to try something new and have been told that means they have to end the existing relationship. So they do – and the pattern is formed.

You have cheated in your past relationships.

We talked about how cheating is “bad”. However, often when someone cheats, it is not because they are trying to be malicious, but often because they are missing something in their life, acting out, processing trauma, or trying to navigate a lifestyle that is expected by to him.

For example, many people who cheat while married do not want a divorce, but they want a casual sexual partner who is not their tax partner. This is one and. Not everyone who cheats has an intention – sometimes they just do it without thinking. If you have cheated in previous relationships, ask yourself about your motivation. Did you want to get out of the relationship? What were you looking for? Was there something missing from your relationship or was it really one and?

You don’t think there is one person who can fulfill everything you want, want and need.

If you feel this way, you probably feel super confused sometimes when the world screams monogamy at us. I want to remind you that it’s okay to try things in our lives and see how they feel. You don’t have to label yourself as something to try it—you can try it on a little and see if it feels natural and the most to you. The same is true for ENM relationships.

If it’s something you’ve wanted, by all means, start ethically dating more people and exploring that side of you. What’s interesting about the culture of toxic monogamy is that it doesn’t realize that we already have so many people in our lives who fulfill different needs for us – it’s not just our partner(s). If you want that, but also in a romantic capacity, go for it. It is there.

You have or have had a desire to have multiple sexual and/or romantic relationships at once.

I want to put this into perspective for you – sex and love with different people are just that – different. I’ve heard people say, “Aren’t you going to worry that your partner will leave you if he’s having better sex with someone else?” There’s a lot to break down here, but first — no, I’m not. If what keeps my partner with me is just the genitals, we have much bigger problems. The foundations of relationships are not only based on sex and love, and it’s quite natural to want this kind of intimacy with more people.

You felt the urge to explore a relationship more freely than you had been able to.

Have you ever met someone and immediately felt some sort of chemistry? Is it that feeling of “wow, this person needs to be in my life and I want to meet them and do things with them” – even before I know what those things are?

We usually meet people in a context – we are set on a romantic date or meet someone for business – we are told the role this person could and will play in our lives before interacting with it. If you’ve ever felt the feeling or thought, “I wish I could see what was really here between us,” sexually or romantically, you may be wired for ethical non-monogamy.

You’re missing something – even if you adore your current partner.

One of the myths that monogamy teaches us is that it’s “wrong” or “bad” if our one partner doesn’t meet all of our needs. “Well, they don’t have to be ‘the one’ if we feel like something is missing for us,” we will think or tell ourselves.

Just because you you want more of something or something and it doesn’t have to correlate with how much you love your current partner. It’s just the reality – you want more and it’s absolutely A-good.

You believe that communication is important, emotions are valuable, and it’s worth having the hard conversations to live a fulfilling life.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Oh my God, okay, that’s me. I think I want to try ENM, but how can I even bring this up to my partner?” Don’t worry; i got you

How to discuss ENM with partners

When we approach our partners about new desires, possibilities, or opportunities, it’s best to approach them with gentleness, curiosity, and empathy—always empathy.

Start with AEO — acknowledge, explain, deliver. Acknowledging that you understand where your partner is coming from lets them know that you also care about their feelings and emotions. Explaining and being honest about your feelings helps them see you—it also helps them know why what you’re discussing is so important to you. Giving your partner opportunities gives them the autonomy to decide their boundaries, what they’re comfortable with, and whether they want to continue the current conversation.

Our partners, and any relationship for that matter, will be much more receptive if we approach them with an offer instead of an ultimatum.

How to use AEO in conversation

A: “I know we’ve never talked about monogamy before.”

A: “On our first date, we talked about threesomes, and since then, we haven’t really talked about monogamy.”

E: “I’m afraid to talk about this concept with you.”

E: “I feel excited about the idea that we could have more partners ethically and honestly.”

O: “Can I share an article I found about this?”

O: “What I’d like to do is find some time to talk about ENM and an article I read; what do you think?”

The Takeaway

Monogamy is not for everyone. Ethical non-monogamy is not for everyone.

We cannot know what is best for us unless we understand what we are choosing and why we actually have a choice. Whether you go ahead and practice intentional monogamy or take the leap into conscious ENM, keep being intentional and learning. There is no right way to “do” relationships, and finding out what aligns best for you (and your partner) is an integral part of your relationship’s evolution.

Rachel Wright, LMFTis a licensed psychotherapist, sex educator and relationship expert based in New York City.