For the first half of my marriage, I had never heard of the Breadwinner Wife Penalty. After our children were born, I was living in Brooklyn and my salary was three times my husband’s salary. When we moved to the Bay Area for a job opportunity, I decided that my husband would become a stay-at-home dad for a while. We’ve faced our share of challenges, both individually and as a couple. But I never realized that couples where the wife wins the husband could have quantifiably more challenges than the average married couple.

As a market researcher who focused on gender bias in Silicon Valley and further, I’ve surveyed and interviewed hundreds of Breadwinners and their partners – and I can attest to the fact that the punishment is real. At the same time, I am convinced that the next generation of Breadwinners and their enlightened partners will do better. There is much to learn from our lived experiences, mistakes and triumphs. But it starts with understanding – and talking about – the phenomenon.

What is a breadwinner wife?

Pew defines Supportive spouses in opposite-sex marriages as spouses in marriages where they are the sole breadwinner or earn more than 60 percent of the couple’s combined earnings. For example, if you earn $80,000 annually and your spouse earns $50,000, you earn 62 percent of your combined income of $130,000 and are considered the breadwinner. One in six opposite-sex marriages (16 percent) include wives who earned the family, which is up from 5 percent in 1972.

Pew found that too women outnumber men when it comes to higher education. Nearly half (46 percent) of US women ages 25 to 34 had a bachelor’s degree in 2021, compared to just over a third (36 percent) of men ages 25 to 34. Given this gap in college degrees, women are poised to outshine their peers, and the number of Breadwinner wives will continue to grow.

It is important to note that my research (and the research I cite) is on heterosexual marriages. Couples in same-sex partnerships may face similar challenges, but this has not been sufficiently studied.

What is the punishment for the wife who earns the family?

Research studies have shown four distinct punishments that breadwinner couples face.

1. Supporting wives do extra work at home.

When I started researching Breadwinner Wives, I came across an article that showed that in couples where wives outearn their husbands, the wife spends an average of 13 additional hours per week on unpaid chores and childcare compared to her husband. The researchers suggested that “a wife who earns more money does more chores to ease her husband’s anxiety.”

The suggestion here is that the husband’s ego is hit when the wife out-earns him. As a result, the wife will come home from work, make dinner and do the dishes so that her husband feels better about himself. Give me a break. (For the record, my husband is the sole cook in our household.)

2. Breadwinner wives are more likely to have their partners cheat on them.

Another study found that men who were the main or sole breadwinners were more likely to cheat on their wives than men whose wives earned a more equal share of the income. However, men who were completely dependent on their wives’ income were the most likely to cheat. Unlike women, family allocation lowers the incidence of infidelity. In this study, the researchers state: “I argue that by remaining faithful, winning women neutralize their gender deviance and keep potentially strained relationships intact.”

Academic literature refers to this as “masculine overcompensation” and “acts of compensatory masculinity”. In my opinion, an act of compensatory manhood should be wiping down the kitchen island, not stopping the lady from your yoga class. For the record, many of the wives I spoke to (and even some whose marriages ended in divorce) did not believe infidelity existed in their marriages.

3. Supportive wives are less happy.

When asked, “How satisfied are you with your family life?” breadwinner mothers were 55% less likely to be very satisfied with their family life than mothers who were not the primary breadwinner , according to the data. 2019 research. This was true even after controlling for external factors such as financial status and the division of labor in the household. In other words, even after controlling for who does the laundry and income level, Breadwinner Wives are less happy than their non-spousal counterparts.

4. Winning wives are more likely to divorce.

Based on the first three penalties, it’s probably not surprising to hear that in a given year, if a woman earns more than her husband, she is twice as likely to divorce unless her husband earns her more. And women whose husbands earn $38,000 more than their wives are the least likely to divorce.

By now, you should understand that the punishment for the breadwinner of the family is real. Wives (and their husbands) face more challenges than other couples. But while this penalty has been keenly felt for decades, it needs to be addressed for educated Millennial and Gen Z women, who are likely to earn more than their partners.

I have been incredibly happy for (almost) my entire tenure as a Breadwinner wife. I am proud of my professional accomplishments and being able to support our family as a sole proprietor for more than a decade. I am happy to show an alternative family support formation (not a deviant formation!) to my children and their friends. I was able to travel the world, meet and work with amazing people, all while feeling supported at home.

Other Breadwinner wives we interviewed also talked about what gives them strength in their situation. “I always know what our financial situation is. I always know I can take care of the family if something happened to my husband,” replied one. “You get to direct your own life. Very independent and interesting and fulfilling. The feeling of success,” said another. A third said simply: “Knowing I can give my family everything they deserve.”

How can we eradicate the punishment of the wife who won the family?

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing more lessons learned from Breadwinner Wives and their partners about some of the specific challenges and lessons learned to help women and their partners at the beginning of a relationship or when circumstances change and they find themselves as Spouses of support. Watch here.

Michele Madansky is a pioneer in digital and advertising research and a sought-after media and market research consultant. She is a self-proclaimed “breadwinner wife” who is currently working on a book called Breadwinner Wives.