There are countless articles discussing the impact of narcissistic parents on their children, but parenting a narcissistic adult child can be just as painful.

That child is half your DNA, you raised them, maybe even gave birth to them, but they treat you horribly. You probably don’t want to cut them off and lose them entirely, but your relationship isn’t sustainable or healthy.

Relationship coach Christopher Reid discussed this complex relationship and offered some steps parents of narcissistic adult children can take to heal.

Here are 5 things parents of narcissistic adult children struggle with:

1. They feel overwhelming guilt about where they “went wrong”

“You’re constantly thinking about what (you did) wrong as a parent for (your) child to turn out like this,” Reid described.

According to the Mayo ClinicThe causes of narcissism are complex and not fully understood. The disorder can be linked to genetics, neurobiology and environment.

Even if their narcissism is, in part, the result of mistakes you made as a parent, you can’t bear full responsibility for your adult children’s decisions and behavior—it’s both unfair and unreasonable to charge. At this point, they are adults and are responsible for their own actions.

You can’t dwell on them forever, or at least, you shouldn’t. Take responsibility, apologize, and move on, even if it means walking away from this relationship to protect your health and sanity.

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2. They overcompensate to keep the peace

When parents of narcissistic adult children try to keep the peace in their relationships and family, they often put themselves in a more vulnerable position to be hurt.

They unintentionally allow themselves to become victims of blame shifting and manipulation and sacrifice their own well-being, often fueled by parental guilt and shame.

Trying to keep the peace isn’t inherently toxic, but you should think of your own well-being first and stop the people-pleasers. As you’ve probably realized by now, your efforts are futile with a narcissist—something always breaks the peace.

3. Self-doubt clouds their achievement and growth

Similar to a narcissistic parent it can trigger insecure attachments and self-doubt in their children, the same can be said of a narcissistic adult child and their parents. Their relationship is based on the adult child’s control, making every interaction anxiety-inducing and disappointing.

Narcissistic adult children do not see their parents as whole beings, but as objects that they can manipulate to get what they want. They will always see you as inferior and think you “owe” them, like mental health coach Lee Hammock explained.

No matter what you do to save the relationship or protect your bond, it will never be enough in the eyes of these adult children.

4. Their child blocks their grandchildren’s access to keep them in line.

If your adult child has children of their own, it can be even more difficult to set and enforce the necessary boundaries, especially when they are harmonizing grandchildren as tools of manipulation.

“The grandkids (are) innocent in this whole thing and you feel like you can’t live with the idea of ​​not being in your grandkids’ lives,” Reid said. “However, your fear is that if you don’t allow your child to continually punish and disrespect you, they will block access to your grandchildren.”

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5. Their grown children always play the victim.

Sometimes we underestimate how far narcissists will go to get what they want – from manipulating loved ones to lying victimizing himself. Often there is no moral compass in the face of their self-centeredness.

Even if you struggle with parental guilt from childhood, don’t let them victimize you to manipulate you. You deserve to heal and move on just as much as they do, but to continually hold mistakes over your head is both toxic and unfair.

Fortunately, Reid said, there are steps you can take to heal as a parent of a narcissistic adult child. Things will probably get worse before they get better, but in the end, you’ll feel much better.

Here are 5 things parents of narcissistic adult children can do to heal:

1. Practice self-love

Although easier said than done, practicing self-love it is the first and most important step. Make an effort to speak – and think – kindly to yourself, forgive yourself, learn to say no (even to your children) and accept yourself as you are.

It will take conscious effort at first, but after a while, self-love will be second nature.

2. Accept that your child may never change

Reid admitted that this is a “very harsh truth”, but sometimes you have to accept things as they are. Your narcissistic child may never change and you can’t make them. Unfortunately, holding on to this unwarranted hope will only bring pain and heartache.

And if it changes? Then it will be a happy surprise.

3. Set firm boundaries

“You’re going to have to set some firm boundaries, letting them know, ‘I’m not going to tolerate disrespect in any way, and if you try to… there will be consequences,'” Reid advised.

Boundaries are necessary to protect you. According to Charlie Healthwhen setting boundaries with a narcissist, you should first recognize their narcissistic traits and then “create a plan that addresses your concerns, goals, potential challenges and obstacles, and the change you would like to see in the relationship your”.

With this, you also need to set clear consequences for crossing boundaries. Unfortunately, this may mean no contact if I cannot honor your wishes.

4. Accept that you will not be given access to your grandchildren

“That’s the hardest part of all,” Reid said. “You may have to accept that you will not be given access to your grandchildren. Now, I know this isn’t right, but toxicity kills you.”

5. Remember that other people in your life need you

You may love your narcissistic child, but they are not the only person in your life. Others love you and need you, so shift your attention elsewhere, where your care and kindness will be reciprocated.

“You have to realize that there are other people in your life who need you. You have other kids that were collateral damage,” Reid said. “You need to stop throwing your pearls in front of people who will never appreciate it, even if it’s your child.”

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Zayda Slabbekoorn is a news and entertainment writer at YourTango focusing on health and wellness, social policy and human interest stories