Welcome to how i doseries where we give you a look seven days into sexual life of a stranger.

For this week’s How I Do It, we hear from Kairah*, a 29-year-old from the East. London.

As a bi-curious black British woman, Kairah grew up in a religious household where talking about sex was completely excluded.

“I was taught that sex was for marriage and for a while I thought that – I kind of still do,” Kairah explains.

“I tried to save myself for marriage, but that decision was made for me when I was raped at 19.”

Kairah says it took her two years to realize she was assaulted and even longer to come to terms with it, leaving her relationship with sex “tarnished”.

And in response to her trauma, she fell into a pattern of casual sex with strangers.

She says: “At first it was great. It felt liberating, actually. But then I had another occasion where I was assaulted again.

“Then I started using casual sex as a coping mechanism.”

Since then, Kairah has tried to only sleep with guys she sees a long-term connection with, but it hasn’t always gone according to plan.

She adds: “I like to have sex with men who are quite dominant. However, I believe this could be a response to trauma.

“I struggle with ownership of my body because of my assault, so I rarely initiate sex and let men lead.”

Without further ado, here’s how Kairah fared this week…

The following sex diary is not, as you can imagine, safe for work.

Monday

I’m meant to be working from home today but I’m choosing to set up with my laptop in Shoreditch House as I’m meeting a work contact here for dinner. I spend the next few hours working and before you know it, it’s time for my meeting.

I find time to read a few pages of The Right to Sex by Amia Srinivasan. The book explores gender and its relationship to sex, class, and race.

One specific point that stood out to me is the idea that men don’t know better when it comes to consent. “Men chose not to listen because it suited them not to, because the norms of masculinity dictate that their pleasure takes precedence,” Srinivasan writes.

This is profound because I have always given grace to my abusers in the past. I always thought they didn’t know what they were doing, but they did.

Tuesday

I wake up early to go to the gym for 45 minutes. I love how I feel after a workout. When I get home, I shower, make breakfast and start working.

I find my mind drifting to the last time I had sex, which was six weeks ago. While I’m still committed to not sleeping with random people, I’m a woman with needs, so I allow myself to have sex occasionally as long as it’s with someone I’ve slept with before.

The person I slept with was someone I dated a few months ago. We had our first meeting in March. It was pretty perfect. Smart, handsome and empathetic. A big part of my healing journey is also being open with new partners about my abuse. We had sex on our first date and decided to tell him I was raped after a few weeks.

It was very reassuring and affirming. He thanked me for telling him and said he wanted to have more conversations about how we can make sex a safe place.

That conversation didn’t happen because his dad was in and out of the hospital and his answers started to become inconsistent, so I ended it. However, he’s back in London for the summer, so I decided to get in touch.

The sex was pretty disappointing. He felt like he was in a rush and didn’t feel as good as I remembered him being. I thought having sex with him would feel empowering, but I felt annoyed.

Wednesday

It’s the last day of my period and I’m super excited. I always feel quite aroused leading up to and during my period. As I’m working from home, I’m thinking of playing with myself, but I have quite a few things to do today, so I’ve put it off.

I started masturbating when I was 21. I spent years believing that self-indulgence was wrong because of my Christian upbringing. However, I got bored one day at university and started watching porn.

It felt weird and unnatural, but eventually, I started touching myself and came. It felt incredible. Since then, I masturbate so often. I try not to make a habit out of it because I have an addictive personality, but whenever I’m tempted to text someone for sex, I mask myself.

It feels powerful to know how to pleasure yourself, it’s also a reminder that no one knows my body as well as I do.

Thursday

I’m done with my period, but I’m still pretty turned on. I’m tempted to text someone else I met this year, Luca*.

Luca* and I slept together on our first date – which was not part of my plan. But, we went to a concert, then we went back to his place and after spending hours talking to him I felt safe.

Trying to figure out when it’s safe to sleep with someone is difficult, but I usually have a strong intuition. We talked about our faith, family, mental health issues and I found his vulnerability attractive.

And the sex was out of this world. He was passionate, caring and attentive. He was so focused on my pleasure and even though I didn’t come (it takes me a while to come because I’m always in my head) it felt amazing.

After a few weeks we decided to call it quits as we were both struggling with our mental health, but I’m tempted to go back there.

Friday

I went to a festival today with some friends, including a close friend, Syd*.

On our way, I told another friend that I felt something was changing in my relationship with Syd. I wasn’t sure if it was one sided so I wanted to test the waters.

So when I saw Syd I kissed him on the cheek and he kept kissing him on the cheek.

We spent the day holding hands, flirting, and finally kissing—properly this time. We talked about how there was always something between us and maybe we should explore it.

This makes me excited and nervous. The kiss was great. Very intimate, but also a little sexual, which makes me think we could have great sex. But, I don’t want to rush anything because he is my friend.

I’m nervous about telling Syd about my rape. I don’t think he’ll judge me, and I know he’ll give me space to make me feel safe, but it’s still a daunting conversation to have. We end the night by agreeing to meet for a drink on Monday.

Saturday

I wake up anxious. Did I really kiss one of my closest friends? I text a group of friends to tell them the gossip. I spend the morning in a state of worry. Guess we have to have the dreaded conversation with Syd about my rape.

I’m generally okay with talking about it, but what I don’t like is the way some men have made me feel after talking about it. My ex in particular had a terrible reaction. Our sex life was a constant point of contention as he often felt I was struggling with intimacy. After talking about how the attack affects privacy, all he said was, “What do you want me to say?” That broke me.

I deeply regret that I did not hold him more accountable for these words. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I no longer felt sexually safe in that relationship and had sex with him out of duty rather than desire.

Since then, I’ve made sure to have this conversation with men very early on so I can know if they’re willing to deal with what comes with having sex with a victim. I wonder if Syd will make it.

Sunday

I love Sundays and the quiet that comes with the day. I wake up and make myself some French toast before going back to bed.

I’m playing with myself this morning and it feels great. I think of Syd in her time. I wonder what sex would be like with him.

When I meet someone, I usually have sex very early. I used to think it was because I had a high sex drive, but now I realize it’s partly because of my complicated relationship with sex. I find it really hard to say no when a man initiates – I’m afraid that if I say no, they’ll pressure me to do it anyway.

Since I was raped, I’ve also struggled with owning my body, and that’s something I really want to reclaim. Learning that I have the right to say no and that my body is my body.

I hope I can continue to put myself first.

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by email at [email protected].

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