At the time when I had a severe dissociative disorderI was a dream employee. I couldn’t feel anything, so nothing could get in the way of my work. I could go through it all: sleep deprivation, exhaustion, hunger, illness, pain. I answered calls and emails around the clock, and co-workers couldn’t violate my boundaries if I didn’t have them.

Of course, the bosses loved me—a hardworking woman who never said no—but for a long time, this dynamic benefited me, too.

I could pretend there’s nothing wrong with me. Workaholism itself is a form of dissociation, one that our culture rewards with raises, promotions, and congratulations for a life well lived.

In his biography, Steve JobsWalter Isaacson writes that abandonment fueled the tech mogul’s success. Steve Jobs was given up for adoption at birth. He spent his life seeking money, recognition and status in an attempt to prove that he was wanted and worthy. However, external validation could not fill this gap.

Those closest to Steve Jobs described him as “mercurial” and “intense”. He denied paternity of his daughter and eliminated all philanthropy programs upon his return to Apple. Jobs separated his staff into two categories, “gods” or “s**theads”, depending on whether they met his relentless demands. He shot the “sh*theads” on the spot and in front of their colleagues many times.

Yet our culture idolizes this man as a leader, visionary, and prime example of the American dream.

RELATED: Why Is Corporate America So Obsessed With Mediocre White Men?

Anna Shvets Pexels

Once I got better, I didn’t want to participate anymore.

At 28, I finally received treatment for my dissociative disorder. Using a trauma therapy technique called EMDRI returned to my body and realized that under the numbness I was a extremely sensitive person.

That’s why I logged out in the first place. The screaming, the violence, the depression, the mania that existed in my childhood home—that it overloaded my hyper-tuned sensesso i stopped to survive. But now that I was feeling myself again, I was no longer a dream employee.

How was I supposed to succeed when I soaked up other people’s emotions like a sea sponge? How could I spend 40 hours a week in an office when the noise was deafening? Office discussions. Taxis honking on city streets. The incessant hum of overhead fluorescents.

How could I move on when the pain I had hidden for two decades now demanded to be felt? However, even if I it wasn’t neurodivergent, I would struggle to succeed in a traditional corporate job.

Photo by: Kaboompics.com | Pexels

RELATED: Career Expert Shares The 4 Types Of People Who Are Unlikely To “Make It” In A Corporate Environment

Why? Because corporate America was not designed for women.

The nine to five business days was designed for men who had free, 24/7 in-house support. After an eight-hour shift, they would return to a clean house and sit down to a home-cooked meal. The children were fed, bathed and ready for bed. The men had done their work for the day and everything was taken care of.

Now, most women do it all – whether they are single or not. Research by the Pew Research Center shows that, in addition to holding down jobs, most married women continue to handle most of the domestic responsibilities. Before, after and during work, they cook, clean and take care of their children.

Progress at work isn’t much better. According to a recent reportthe treatment of women in professional settings is largely the same as it was a decade ago. Yes, companies mandate inclusion training, but videos and tick-box quizzes haven’t changed people’s behavior.

At work, women are three times more more likely to be discontinuedthey have their ideas passed off as someone else’s, are judged for their appearance and emotional state, and are mistaken for lower-level employees or other women of the same race. Women are also still punished for speaking out.

Shortly after starting therapy, I was fired from a leadership role because I refused to compromise my integrity for the immoral gain of a company. No matter how many times cheesy videos tell us to report discriminatory behavior, the subtext is clear:

If women want to climb the corporate ladder, they need to shut up, toughen up and take it.

RELATED: Corporate Woman Reveals The Real Reason Many Office Buildings Are So Cold – ‘The Standard Was Set in 1966’

Liza Summer | Pexels

I’m not willing to give up anymore.

I am one of the lucky ones. My mental illness served me long enough to establish myself as a professional in the writing world. Now, I’m still kicking my ass, but I’m doing it my terms.

I have multiple streams of income so my livelihood will never again depend on the whims of a mercurial boss. I only work for clients and employers who respect work-life balance and let me make my schedule. I turn down tasks when I’m processing something difficult so I can sit in the discomfort rather than distract myself from it.

I haven’t set foot in an office in years. Instead, I work from his quiet and peaceful protection the house I own and share with a man who treats me as an equal partner.

Most importantly, I have the time and energy to prioritize the things that matter: relationships. Spirituality. Empathy. The healing. Returning to who I was before this world convinced me that self-sacrifice and external success would fill that void.

Corporate America wasn’t designed for women like me, and I don’t want what it sells anyway.