One of the most common complaints I see in couples therapy is that the woman feels like she never has the man’s full attention except in bed.

Even then, guys who struggle with inattention are often inattentive lovers and prioritize bells and whistles over a connected experience.) Some of the main reasons why men don’t focus on their wives are described in this post, as well as how to repair after a lack. focus and re-prioritize your marriage.

One of the main reasons women say their husbands don’t pay attention to them is because they’re “always on the phone.”

This is especially true for men with ADHD, who can’t resist the dopamine hit of looking things up, playing games, or engaging on social media or other forums. When the phone is in your partner’s hand 24/7 (or close to it), it’s hard to compete. Often women are also upset that it is the man ignoring the kids in favor of the phone.

Men who are depressed also struggle to get up and move, and much of what they do when they are standing or lying down is playing on their phones. Therapy can help men struggling with untreated or undiagnosed depression or ADHD by clarifying what aspects of their behavior are attributable to these problems and how to cope in ways that don’t involve escaping to a screen.

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Another common complaint I hear in therapy is that the man is not interested in the conversation.

This is especially true if the man feels there is “no point” in talking because the woman “just wants to vent.” Couple counseling can be transformative in these kinds of dynamics, which usually involve a man who was raised in a home without talking much about feelings and a woman who is often anxious or depressed, so it really comes back to the same topics over and over again without accepting contributions. or aid (this is called a claimant rejecting aid).

Remember, it’s a myth that conversations should never involve problem solving. After empathizing, most people try to help a friend or partner by brainstorming ways to solve their problems. Problem solving can be very bonding when done in an empathetic and supportive relationship. Avoidant attachment is another major cause of a “not paying attention” spouse.

When men have an avoidant attachment style, they tend to mate with women who are preoccupied. The woman constantly pursues the man for the attention she never received as a child, and the man has learned from childhood to be completely self-sufficient and look down on closeness. These two are stuck in a stalker-at-a-distance relationship that can greatly benefit from therapy that helps each partner see their contribution to the dynamic and where they started in life.

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Other spouses are inattentive because they resent the relationship dynamic itself. In general, in this situation, the marriage has low intimacy and low affection.

While most attention-seeking wives have preoccupied attachment and are “followers,” as previously discussed, some attention-seeking women are avoidant or fear-avoidant. These women are afraid of intimacy and complain of lack of attention because they feel that the husband does not focus on activities related to the children or the home. They feel that their husband is relinquishing his role as co-CEO of the home by focusing on his work, hobbies or interests.

However, the husband feels that he does not want a marriage that is a business partnership and, from his perspective, faces a marriage without love throwing himself into other fulfilling activities. This couple can often benefit greatly from couples counseling, where a therapist can explain the role of romantic intimacy with the wifewho often finds this silly or pointless and shows how his lack of focus on the home parallels her lack of focus on the relationship.

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One last reason I will discuss that you may not be paying attention to your wife may be that you are overly focused on your child.

Here is an example of a woman who feels this way. More and more men I see are matching and even surpassing their wives in the race to give their children every bit of their attention. I talk about this phenomenon constantly because I’ve seen it sabotage marriages, damage parents’ mental health, and create anxious, self-absorbed children who, as adults, they have negative feelings about education and family.

Working with a therapist can help men like him understand what they might be compensating for by over-parenting, which often involves delving into the family of origin. Often, those who are most focused on their children either carry on a legacy of anxiety or turn 180 degrees away from those who are inattentive and even careless parenting that they experienced in childhood.

If this post resonated with you, use it as a springboard for an open and honest discussion with your partner. Couples therapy can transform this dynamic, in addition to individual work on both sides.

Don’t let your children see an unhappy marriage filled with tension and resentment! This will only teach them one day to reproduce the same pattern in their own relationships; in fact, helping couples break the cycle of intergenerational dysfunction is the main reason I work with couples in therapy. End the cycle with yourself.

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Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice, Best Life Behavioral Health.