Dear Eric: I have been married to my husband for 11 years now. We still enjoy each other’s company and laugh together all the time. I really love him. However, it is terrible on special occasions (birthday, Mother’s Day, etc.).

Over the years, I’ve tried to lower my expectations significantly. I realized that I had to say exactly what I wanted, plan it myself, and let go of any idea that I would be made to feel special these days.

For gifts, I will literally send him links to what I want and he still manages to buy the wrong thing. On my most recent birthday, the day came and I just asked that everyone write or choose a poem on any topic to share. My husband worked with my oldest daughter, who wrote a very nice poem, but then completely ignored the rest of the request that everyone in the family have something to share.

Some version of this happens on every special occasion and I am so exhausted by it. I dread these days, knowing that despite all the effort and work I put into everyone else’s special days, I will get the bare minimum and even that will go wrong.

The worst part is that my husband feels like he’s doing his best and even putting in a lot of extra effort these days and gets upset when I get upset that he hasn’t fully complied with any of the (few, simple and clear) requests I’ve made for that day.

I want to give it all up, but I can’t. How do I let go of this building resentment and knowledge that I can never expect to see anything when it comes to these days?

– Uncelebrated

Dear Uncelebrated: You write that you can’t quit, but you can’t? It might seem like petty behavior at first, but if you can’t be clear about what you want and don’t want on a day meant to celebrate you, when can you?

Your frustration is valid. While gift giving isn’t everyone’s gift, a relationship depends on hearing and being heard. If they don’t actually listen to what you ask, it makes sense to feel resentful.

The communication part of this is something the two of you should discuss separately – perhaps with a professional. The gift business is probably a symptom, not the whole problem. Each person in the partnership feels that they are clear and that they are responding reasonably. And yet there is a disconnect. It’s worth digging into this without the specter of every disappointing special occasion hanging over the conversation.

It is also important to feel celebrated and appreciated.

Are there other loved ones who are good at making a special day brighter? Are you particularly good at celebrating? Having something positive that doesn’t bring you down can help you feel less resentful as your husband works on his skills.