Dear Sexpert,

My partner asked me if I would ever engage in role play and sex that included “tying me up”. I’ve never done anything like this before and I might be open to the idea, but I feel weird and kind of dirty about wanting to try it. I don’t want to make my partner feel bad by hesitating, but at the same time, I don’t want to rush into anything without being completely sure I want to do it. How do I deal with this situation?

“Terrified adventurer.”

Dear Terrified Adventurer,

Thank you for saying how you feel. Rest assured, you are not the only one who feels worried. Trying new things sexually can be exciting and fun, but it can require stepping outside of your comfort levels. It’s good that you are mindful of your boundaries and take care of yourself only by agreeing to engage in activities that you are ready to pursue. Most importantly, as with any sexual behavior, it should be mutual consensualwith the agreement being:

• Freely given (without coercion or manipulation, not given while incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, and not asleep or unconscious)
• Reversible (can be revoked at any time)
• Informed (through dialogue and mutual decision-making)
• Enthusiastic (verbal and non-verbal cues that are affirmative, eg saying yes, nodding, etc.)
• Specific (detailed and limited to specific activities)

This means that if you decide to try roleplay or bondage activities, you have open and ongoing communication with your partner and can change your mind at any time.

Feeling hesitant about trying something new is completely normal! So is being intrigued by sexual exploration and wanting to engage in fantasy. In fact, it is so common that there is a classification of the main themes related to sexual fantasy. Although the possibilities are endless, a Over 4,000 people, 350 question survey in 2018 led by sex educator Justin Lehmiller PhD found that there are seven main fantasy themes when it comes to sexual imagination. It sounds like what your partner is suggesting falls into the category of power and control.

(Important to note: Engaging in power and control or other BDSM behaviors is never an excuse to cause violence or harm – it requires explicit consent.)

Feel free to research this category on informal websites such as Scarleteen or Bedsider — might help you feel less “weird” or “dirty” about exploring your sexual imagination. Sexual shame it can stem from societal influences or cultural norms and often functions as a barrier to authentic self-expression. Again, don’t feel pressured to participate in an activity simply because other people are doing it or because your partner suggests it. Take time to reflect on why you feel insecure and validate your own feelings and explore what, if anything, would make you feel more confident about trying something new.

When talking about sexual experimentation with your partner, remember that clear and consistent communication is key. Be honest with your partner about feeling shy. And if you decide to experiment with power and control, set a safe word to ensure you have an easy and quick way to communicate what you need right now. Go slow! There is no rush and remember that you can always change your mind at any time. You may also want to build in time for a debrief or conversation afterward so you can continue to discuss what you liked, didn’t like, or would like to do differently in the future.

Having a sexual imagination or feeling sexual desire is nothing to be ashamed of! Just make sure you establish clear communication with your partner and act in a consensual manner that respects both of your boundaries.

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Have a good trip!

— The sexpert

Sexpert is a monthly column written in collaboration between The Prospect and the Peer Health Advisers (PHA) programme. For more information you can visit Sexpert’s website. If you are interested in submitting a question, you can submit it through this form: tinyurl.com/princetonsexpert.