Dear Eric:

I divorced my wife after 25 years of marriage. After taking some medication for depression, her personality changed and she became unfaithful with a number of men.

I never told my three children (now adults, early 30s) about the affairs to protect their relationships with their mother.

For the past five years, she has alienated my children against me with a series of false stories. I don’t know the details and my kids aren’t willing to share them.

I live on the other side of the country and they are reluctant to see me. They suggest I seek therapy. I offered to do therapy with them, but they refuse.

How do I repair my relationship with them?

– The other side of the story

Dear Other Party:

Take your kids’ cue and explore therapy on your own for now. This will ideally accomplish a few things. First, it can help you process the events leading up to and after the divorce. No doubt there is some evil there, some resentment. You should process this.

The second potential benefit: It’s a gesture of good faith that could show your kids that you’re serious about repairing your relationship.

Third benefit: Therapy can help you unravel the implications of these stories your ex-spouse is telling about you. Even if there isn’t even a grain of truth to them, the fact that they believed the stories will color your relationship for a while. So being able to be rigorously honest and search the safe boundaries of therapy will better equip you to have new and more productive conversations with your children. And hopefully find a cure.

Dear Eric:

My husband and I have been married for over 30 years. Recently, at a family gathering, his ex-wife made some inappropriate comments about my husband (who is the father of their only child). Plus, to try and make a point, she “threw her own kid under the bus” so to speak.

I didn’t answer so as not to create a scene. I think of my husband’s child as my own and I would never want to hurt them in their relationship with their mother. What is the best way to avoid unwanted, unwarranted and snarky comments? I have a wedding coming up and I’m scared to be around her.

– Ex-Strife

Dear Ex-Strife:

Depending on how big the wedding is, my first suggestion is to talk to anyone but her. He seems to feed on conflict, so if you don’t give him an audience, he’ll have to find something else to eat. Let’s hope the wedding food is good.

If it’s inevitable, then honesty is your best bet. “The last time we were together, you said some things about (husband) and (child) that I didn’t appreciate. You are entitled to your feelings, but I disagree. I would like to have fun with you tonight. Can we do this?”

It has been more than 30 years since her marriage to your husband ended. She doesn’t have to go through whatever is bothering her (and who knows, maybe some of her burden is justified). But it would be better for her if she were. Regardless, that conflict lives within her and between her and your husband. Your best bet is to draw a line and keep your distance.

Dear Eric:

Our daughter went on a “visit” to Indiana with her boyfriend. My instinct that he would never come back proved to be true. Then about a year later she sent us a long hate filled email blaming us for every perceived failure in her life.

I forgave her as much as I could. What hurts my heart the most is that my husband and other daughters cannot forgive her. My younger daughters won’t even say her name. How do I help them process their anger and pain so they can be calmer? If I can’t do that, how can I grieve alone?

– Abandoned mother

dear mother:

I’m so sorry. This estrangement has clearly sent shock waves through your family. However, it is not your responsibility to keep everyone together. Your husband and daughters need to process this in their own time and in their own way. At some point, it will probably be helpful for all of you to work with a family therapist. They can help you, your husband, and your younger daughters work through your feelings, work through your pain, and make a plan for moving forward.

In the meantime, check out “Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them” by Karl Pillemer. The story of the family that remains doesn’t end with your older daughter’s exit. Take care of yourself and share what you find useful with your husband and younger daughters. And they can find their way through it.