When you ask 16-year-old Ty what happened to his mom, he’ll tell you straight.

“My mother died of cancer when I was 10,” he said.

“She was first diagnosed on my fourth birthday and sadly lost the battle in 2019.”

For the past five years, Ty has dedicated much of his life to keeping his mother’s memory alive. But he faces pushback from adults who prefer to avoid the topics of death and cancer when in the room.

Ty describes his mother, Jacqueline, as someone who started each day with a big smile.

Jacqueline was confident, energetic and always in a cheerful mood. She went out of her way to make others happy.

“Mom was well-spoken and liked to draw,” Ty said.

Ty and his mother were very close. As her strength began to weaken him, the thought of losing her pained him. When she finally passed, he was devastated.

News of her passing spread quickly through their community. People were eager to send their best wishes. It was a lot for a 10-year-old to take in.

Losing another relative a short time later, Ty faced more grief in a few months than most Australian children experience in an entire childhood.

Ty said he found strength in knowledge. He asked questions, talked to relatives and shared his suffering with friends. That was what kept him going.

“It was hard, I was very sad.”

Child psychologist Cassie Xintavelonis says dealing with death with young people can be difficult, but it’s important to give them the support and space they need to grieve.

“It can be very uncomfortable for adults to talk about it, but we have to almost put that aside and think about what’s in the best interests of the child,” Ms Xintavelonis said.

“Establish and establish some ground rules early in the grieving process.

“They might not use all the opportunities available, but let them know you’re there and you’ll be checking in.”

Let me speak

Ty used to have a hard time even thinking about his mother’s death.

For the past five years, in an attempt to heal, he has made a conscious effort to talk about the experience and remember the good times.

“The memories I have of my mother will last a lifetime.”

But Ty became frustrated when he realized that people around him actively avoided the topics of death and cancer for fear of upsetting him.

Ty said he was happy to answer any questions and often asked people what they would like to know.

“I think that puts them at ease and allows them to open up a little more with me.”

As someone who experienced immense pain at a young age, Ty felt compelled to use his experience to help educate other children.

“Open it,” he said.

“It can be hard at first, but you’ll be shocked at how reassuring and supportive everyone can be.”

He also implored adults to have difficult conversations with young people, even when they are worried about how the child might react.

Listen and adapt

As a child psychologist, Cassie Xintavelonis has dedicated many hours of her professional life to supporting young people in times of pain and despair.

Ms Xintavelonis emphasizes the importance of real, direct and honest conversations with children. She also emphasizes the need for adults to tailor their responses according to a person’s age.

Very young children can ask many questions, in a variety of environments, over a long period of time.

“They have a really different concept of what death is,” Ms Xintavelonis said.

Older children may want to get straight to the point.

Regardless of age, make sure they have a support person they can go to and a space they feel comfortable in. Then let them talk and answer their questions as best they can.

This includes avoiding expressions such as “went to bed” or “went away”, which can create confusion. Instead, opt for words like “death” and “death.”

While Ty was comfortable talking openly about his mother’s death, Ms Xintavelonis acknowledges that not everyone is able to do so.

In cases where children find it difficult to speak, adults might consider other methods of communication, such as drawing, writing a letter, or writing a text message.

“There are many ways to communicate … even being in close physical contact without speaking can also help,” Ms Xintavelonis said.

Validate their feelings

At a time when there is so much death and destruction in the news, parents should be prepared for an increase in sensitive questions from children, said Susanne Legena, CEO of Plan International Australia, a global organization dedicated to spaces child friendly.

“You have to take the time to listen and validate their feelings,” Ms. Legena said.

Considering that childhood is a sacred moment in a person’s life, Ms. Legena emphasized the need to strike a balance between being honest and protecting a young person’s innocence.

“Answer their questions, but don’t go beyond that, let them lead the conversation,” she said.

The death of a parent or loved one can cause a child to grow up much faster than their peers, but Ms Legana stressed that it is essential to allow children to be children for as long as possible.

Kick goals

While Ty is sitting in the goal box on the soccer field or turning to the first page of an exam, he knows his mom is never far away.

“If I feel down or worthless, I can hear my mother’s voice telling me to keep going, to keep fighting.”

He remembers one night at soccer practice where he was strapped to the back of the goal and asked to stop as many balls as possible going through the box.

“Then I heard my mother’s voice telling me to keep going, so I did.”

The 16-year-old, who dreams of becoming a mechanical engineer, also spoke about the value of strong family relationships in tough times.

“It was really hard for everybody,” Ty said.