A 58-year-old mother impart the details of her decades-long tumultuous relationship with her 21-year-old estranged daughter.

Despite years of trying to reflect on her behavior as a parent, she admitted that this birthday – the first in which she was completely “no contact” – was a wake-up call.

Her estranged daughter’s birthday made her realize how much she messed up.

“My estranged daughter turned 21 last week and I was an absolute wreck,” she wrote.

The woman explained that their “rocky relationship” began when her daughter was in high school and her grades began to slip.

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The mother and her ex-husband took their daughter out of dancing and other hobbies she enjoyed, hoping to “punish” her for falling behind in school and motivate her to put in more effort. However, she admitted that this created resentment and started a bad cycle where her daughter’s grades continued to drop and she continued to take more things.

“When it was clear that the problems were coming from something else, we put her in therapy and she seemed to be doing a little better,” the mother continued. However, in the very next paragraph, she admitted that she refused to follow the therapist’s advice.

“Her therapist at the time said that pulling her out of dance class and punishing her if we caught her doing her hobbies wasn’t helping her and we had to do some digging to get to the root of the problem because her grades were just a symptom of it,” she wrote.

“I’m not going to lie, I thought this therapist was full of it because I thought my daughter shouldn’t be rewarded for doing the wrong school.”

Although she did not want to listen to the therapist’s suggestions, her ex-husband did and restored their daughter’s privileges.

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The daughter soon began to distance herself from her mother.

The pair fought constantly throughout her daughter’s time in high school, including during “no contact” periods where her daughter would live at her ex-husband’s house.

During the pandemic, things started to look good. Her daughter attended a “private school for troubled teens” where she “seemed to thrive” and even graduated a month early.

Proud of her daughter, this mom booked a celebratory photo shoot, something that was a tradition in her family.

“My daughter had recently started to dislike having her picture taken, but after some discussion, she agreed to do it for me,” she wrote. “I was excited to have this special moment.”

However, after the photo shoot, the woman learned that her daughter had given access to the photos to her ex-husband’s family — who bought more and hung them in their homes. Upset that their “special moment” of reconciliation was shared with others, this mother was “devastated” and offered to “buy them back” from her ex-husband.

This seemed to be the last straw in their relationship. The mother-daughter pair fought over photos and finally he stopped talking.

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When her daughter reached out to wish her a happy Mother’s Day, the woman was unwilling to speak.

“My daughter called to wish me a happy Mother’s Day. It didn’t make me feel any better,” she admitted. “I told her I’m still hurt and I don’t want to hear from her unless it’s important or sorry for backing out. I regret this, but I told her that my day was ruined (by) her call.”

Her daughter took this to heart, and the pair didn’t speak again until the mother informed her that her childhood dog was down. They were civilized for a date, but a week later, her daughter came to her house to retrieve some of her old things, and again, things ended in a fight.

“We got into another fight and she didn’t throw a punch,” the mother recounted. “She brought up events that I had completely forgotten until she mentioned them, and things that I have no recollection of happening at all. She didn’t just kick up dust, she hammered the road. He came back so far. She said I was a terrible mother.”

As a therapist @momtherapistlife on TikTok pointed out, just because an estranged child keeps “bringing up” old arguments and situations doesn’t mean he’s holding a grudge—he’s probably longing for clarity, validation, and an apology.

“It’s not toxic behavior if the child continues to bring it up because it’s still unresolved for them. It’s still raw for them,” she explained. “They need more clarity to (can) get to a place of forgiveness.”

“It’s not just saying, ‘I’m sorry I hurt you.’ It’s “I’m sorry I hurt you because I did X, Y, and Z and I shouldn’t have done that,” she clarified. “It’s not necessarily that they want you to apologize for the rest of your life, but to take responsibility and apologize and admit why you did what you did and what you did was wrong and then to you can go ahead and make amendments.”

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The mother should take responsibility if she wants to repair the relationship with her adult daughter.

In response to her daughter’s complaints, the woman defended her actions, arguing that she did her best, did what she thought was right and was healing from her own trauma. While this may be true, some accountability would probably go a long way with her daughter.

Her daughter was not impressed with her response and told her mother never to contact her again.

“I was so stunned by her words that I lost myself. I didn’t think she thought I would do something so monstrous,” she wrote. “I started crying so hard it’s a miracle I didn’t wake my neighbors. Then she drove off in her car and I haven’t heard from her since.”

Now her daughter is turning 21 and she is devastated to miss such a milestone.

Despite this woman’s obvious remorse and love for her daughter, she still does not take responsibility.

“In some ways, there seems to be real regret here,” one person wrote, “but it’s also full of denial and justification of your failures.

“You keep saying ‘I know I messed up…BUT,'” another pointed out. “It’s the ‘BUT’ that erases the ‘I know I messed up.’

Unfortunately, until this woman takes responsibility for her actions – without “but” or justifications – her relationship with her daughter will likely remain damaged. If she really wants to be a part of her child’s life, she needs to admit her mistakes, listen to her daughter’s complaints, show empathy, take responsibility, and be willing to change.

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Zayda Slabbekoorn is a news and entertainment writer at YourTango focusing on health and wellness, social policy and human interest stories