Why do some Chicagoans overdo it?

During the COVID-19 quarantines, people have been forced to be mindful of their relationships, socializing and technology, according to Alexandra Solomon, a licensed clinical psychologist, professor at Northwestern University and host of the “Reimagining Love” podcast.

Dating life in Chicago may be permanently altered by the pandemic.

Industry giant Tinder reported that its paying users fell by 8% in 2023. Meanwhile, Eventbrite reported a 42% increase in singles events on Valentine’s Day in 2024 compared to 2023, surpassing even pre-pandemic numbers.

“He’ll stick around,” Solomon said. “We’ve crossed a really great threshold that means people really understand how essential human relationships are.”

Avondale resident Megan Moran, 32, was left exhausted after months of dating apps. He’s tired of hitting brick walls and dead-end conversations.

“How can I make a snapshot of myself that looks authentic but is also short?” she said.

While people can create dating app profiles on a whim, an event that requires effort can “weed out” people who aren’t serious about dating, Solomon said.

The ease of the apps has led to a “gamified” experience, said Lincoln Square resident Alice D’Orlando. Reaching people can become a twisted competition with itself, and matching new people is its own form of scoring. D’Orlando said she became one of the players.

“At one point, I was just using them for fun,” D’Orlando, 29, said. “It was kind of a joy to match someone.”

But in-person groups require more involvement. To register for events, daters fill out a form with questions about sexuality, religion, therapy and other details.

“It makes you think about what you’re looking for,” said 31-year-old Monika Wasshausen. “He asked the right questions and the things that were on my mind.”

D’Orlando met Wasshausen, who lives in Uptown, at a quirky Meet IRL speed dating event last year. They have been partners ever since.

Moran, looking for similar buy-in, ditched the apps and attended a Meet IRL mixer at Guild Row in Avondale last year. The event “had middle school dance vibes,” Moran said.

The women and men separated, nervous to approach each other. But an excited tension and anticipation filled the room, a physical buzz that an app can’t replicate.

“I see it as a way to cut through the noise to see if there’s chemistry or a spark, that intangible thing that you can’t get from app dating,” she said.

After the mixer, she tried a speed-dating event in March at the Lone Owl in Wicker Park for more structure. And good thing he did – Moran met his lover.

Queer dating and LGBTQ+ spaces

For many queer people in Chicago, a dedicated space is invaluable when dating, said Katie Conway, founder of Hot Potato Hearts, a group focused on queer dating events that launched in 2021.

“Sometimes you just want to be with people you don’t want to explain their mindset to,” Conway said.

D’Orlando and Wasshausen praised gay dating events for creating a place for female and nonbinary people to socialize, even if romantic sparks aren’t flying. Bars for gay men are much more popular, but groups for queer people of other genders are also important, they said.

“It was kind of refreshing,” D’Orlando said. “It feels fresh and kind of out of place because we’ve been in this dating space on purpose.”

Events can allow people to ease into the dating experience without putting on as much guard and try different types of relationships, Conway and Solomon said.

“We can talk about Chicago as a progressive city, but having a marginalized identity, like being queer, there’s a need to know that we can be safe in that space,” Solomon said.

A safer way to meet strangers?

The idea of ​​safety is important to Chicago dating, especially for women, who have long been disproportionately targeted by sexual violence. Lake View resident Sarah Chan, 25, heard dating horror stories and started Vouched dating events last summer to address women’s concerns. Hundreds of daters have attended Chan’s events, where women apply on behalf of men they’ve given their stamp of approval.

“I’ve never heard of a guy being scared for his physical safety,” Chan said. “He might be nervous about being fished for sleep, but that’s not as bad as being killed.”

Dating events can also boost friendships

Singles also strive for partners and a community that shares common hobbies or interests. Jason Webb, who coaches at the SPF pickleball facility in Lincoln Park, has yet to see any relationships emerge from his Facebook group, which he started in 2022 and called “Chicago Pickleball: Single & Mingle — No Married or Committed” . But he saw countless friendships take shape.

“Friendships can evolve into relationships,” Webb said.

When dating, Webb, 55, keeps in mind that playing pickleball is a non-negotiable for his potential partner, and he might find someone through his group. The common interest not only sparks a conversation, but introduces healthy competition into the dating experience, he said.

“I just wanted to bring people together, and if I met someone, that would be a fringe benefit,” he said.

Conway and Gibbons say they admire the friendships that have blossomed through their groups as much as any dating or relationship.

“Yes, I went to some meetings; yes, we had some kissing,” Conway said. “But I have new loves of my life in friendship and that’s even better than anything else.”