Dear Annie: It has been a long journey for my wife and me. We left school and got married in 2008, just as the economy crashed. It took us a while to get our career going. After 10 years of struggle, we moved to a new state for new jobs and right before the pandemic, my wife started working on her teaching degree. All the while, our oldest child had behavioral issues and our youngest child was young and hyperactive and didn’t fall asleep at a reasonable hour.

We struggled with things like “our time”, date nights, etc. Many weekends we don’t even leave the house. In addition, he had a chronic illness, which we just got under control. We made mistakes in our relationship. We were stressed and this year we decided that if we could plan ahead then we could have both work and life outside of work.

It’s been a few weeks and it’s too much for her. He has bipolar II disorder, so it could be bipolar fatigue. This weekend she hit a wall of exhaustion and told me she needed to cut back – no more going out, doing a birthday for me this month was too much for her. I had a huge win at work and wanted to be celebrated, but that too has to be put on hold as it is too much for her.

I do all the driving, most of the cooking and half the laundry. I help clean up and bring the kids to all their activities. We’re behind on things like dentist appointments. We struggle to keep up and it feels like: 1) She expects me to take in more so she doesn’t get overwhelmed and 2) The things she has to come down to are related to how she sees or values ​​me.

I love this person. She has the best laugh, sharpest mind and is so talented. She is a great mother. I love having her in my life, but I don’t know how to get over the burnout and how to keep the idea that the thing she needs to do to be healthy is not hold space for me.

In the past, I’ve jumped into help mode: how can we make things easier, how can we take things off his plate, what resources can I find? But so much of what I suggest falls on deaf ears or is not reciprocated. I ran out of ideas. — At a loss

Dear At a Loss: It is clear that you care deeply for your wife and children. And while it’s great to be supportive, don’t lose sight of your own needs; your well-being will directly affect hers.

Bipolar II can make consistency difficult, and burnout is real. The discount can be considered a lifeline for her, even if it comes at the cost of feeling appreciated and supported.

Now, more than ever, it’s important not to give up on allocating “us time” for the two of you—even if it’s just 30 minutes a week at home. It’s important to stay on the same team and not let resentment build.

You should also seek outside support. If you have a family member or babysitter to help with childcare, great, but if not, take advantage of free or reduced-cost childcare at schools, churches, or nonprofits like the YMCA or Boys Club and To the girls. Additionally, a couples counselor can help the two of you find a sustainable plan to move forward.