If there’s a lesson to be learned in these incredibly politically polarized times, it’s this: The only people who should be tuning in to prime-time TV broadcasts on Election Day night are political junkies, math geeks, and masochists without hope.

Earlier in the evening, CNN’s Jake Tapper, reciting numerous early results, repeatedly repeated the warning: “It’s still very early!” It certainly was, as in most cases the percentage of votes counted was in the single digits. Tapper also advised us to settle down and “make some coffee,” which wasn’t exactly what viewers needed to calm their jittery nerves or maintain sphincter control.

Whether you were watching broadcast networks or cable news stationsthe coverage was largely dominated by commentators, mostly white men, who sat in front of electronic screens while frantically waving their arms like meteorologists on speed. The most important of them remains, of course, MSNBC’s Steve Kornacki, who rose to fame in 2020 thanks to his delivery of Quicksilver and khaki pants. He appeared tonight like an over-caffeinated Harry Potter, analyzing historical trends and the voting history of certain counties with the kind of in-depth detail that would make a Talmudic scholar envious.

All the networks have similar figures working their stylish screens, such as CNN’s John King and his “Magic Wall” and Fox News’ Bill Hemmer and his “Bill-board.” This year, MSNBC even offered an online “Kornacki Cam” — streaming on Peacock and YouTube — to satiate those viewers unwilling to tolerate any off-air moments.

The coverage began relatively lightly, with moments like an exit poll interview with a young man in North Carolina who told CNN he had no intention of voting until his girlfriend gave him an ultimatum. He voted for Harris, of course, and it makes you think that women concerned about their reproductive rights wish they’d given way to those whimsical notions of a Lysistrata-sexual strike style.

Speaking of the male vote, especially the younger variety, I learned that the Trump campaign was “laser focused” on getting them to vote that night. And why wouldn’t he be, given the young man from Arizona who told an MSNBC interviewer that he voted for Trump because Harris hadn’t bothered to appear on Joe Rogan’s podcast? It’s no wonder the country is in trouble when Rogan, formerly known as his host The fear factorbecame one of the most influential figures in American society?

Needless to say, the folks at Fox News could barely contain their glee as Trump racked up early wins, state after state. Their “Economic Commission,” made up of supposed intellectual heavyweights like Fox Business’ Maria Bartiromo and Larry Kudlow, said the electorate is turning against Harris because of the Biden administration’s “open border policy and stimmy controls.”

Kellyanne Conway helpfully explained that “awakening and weakness” were on the ballot. Sean Hannity was practically drooling over the possibility of a Trump win. And Laura Ingraham already declared it “the greatest political comeback in history”. Throughout the evening, Fox called the states for Trump earlier than the other networks, to the point where Jesse Watters mockingly complained, “Are we sure about New Jersey?” when that sure blue state was called for Harris.

Plenty of races were decided early, of course, including the defeat of referendums in Florida involving loosening abortion restrictions and legalizing recreational marijuana. Both measures received a majority of votes, I note, but not the required “supermajority” of 60 percent. It’s all part of Gov. Ron DeSantis’ apparently successful crusade to make Florida the most regressive state in the country. As MSNBC’s Lawrence O’Donnell put it, the result represented “government defined by Republicans, run by minorities.”

As the results came in, commentators across the networks continued to refer not only to the “bellwethers” but the “bellwethers of the bellwethers” to numbing effect. Along the way, I learned about various election hiccups, including the Trump campaign alleging voter fraud in Philadelphia (shocking, I know); bomb threats have hit numerous polling stations in Georgia, some apparently traced to Russia; and trouble with mail-in ballots in Nevada because, and I’m not making this up, “young voters don’t know how to sign their names.”

Ultimately, the downbeat tone of the evening was summed up by, of all people, Senator Joe Manchin, who could never quite pick a side. He told CBS’s Jim Acosta, “We will survive whoever wins.” Which explains why virtually no one in America can stand Joe Manchin.