Let’s consider some factors that influence the impact we can have in the sphere of family and friends.

DEMOGRAPHY AND LIFE EXPECTANCY

Investments in the sphere of family and friends tend to fluctuate and evolve throughout our lives not only naturally, but also as a result of inaction, wear and tear, and orthodoxy. The traditional flow is for young adults to spend a lot of time with friends, move towards building families as they marry, partner and/or have children, and then return to friends and colleagues as their children start their own families . . Some of these tendencies are biological, logical and/or convenient. But others are either invalid from the start or outdated for the 21st century.

Make no mistake, we don’t just impose this traditional order of operations for family and friends activities on each other; we do it ourselves, choosing our investments in the Family and Friends Sphere according to our age and life stage. Dr. Mario Martinez, the clinical neuropsychologist who brought us the concept of tribal shame, also has a strong view on this point. Here’s his interpretation from a podcast interview with Tami Simon:

So, for example, you are . . . slightly older than middle age. You can no longer have a sports car because “what is this old man or this old woman doing with that car?” (Your idea of ​​age) is already setting you up for failure. The first time your back hurts (after a drive in your sports car) you think, “Ah, I’m too old for this.” Give up joy. You buy a bigger car and enter the tunnel of helplessness: “(Now) I need anti-inflammatories.” That’s how you get old.

Demographics are changing rapidly, including longer life spans (especially for wealthy whites, given the health costs of being poor and non-white), declining marriage rates, and delayed and reduced births. These factors, as well as the changing preferences for relationships in the 21st century economy, make our traditional views incredibly ineffective at quenching our thirst for supportive and loving relationships with blood relatives and chosen family.

MODELING AND CREDIT PRIVILEGE

Another thing to consider about investing in the sphere of family and friends is how you use your privilege in those relationships. Accumulating and then lending privileges to your family and friends creates a powerful ripple effect. Dia Bryant, now chief executive of the Education Trust, was the first in her family to go to university. Once he graduated, he “came to New York with $1,000 and my suitcase. I lived on couches, ate hot dogs, and worked my way to and from a master’s degree. Once I was settled and had a couch for (him) to crash on, my brother came over. And then our other brother joined us.”

Setting an example in this way is a form of impact that should not be underestimated. Dia felt “the tension to betray one side to be with the other” in her choice to move to New York and attend graduate school. But she is equally clear that this choice is responsible for her “massive opportunities to be one of the few people who can move between worlds, learning what works and what doesn’t,” and then paying for that insight—a form of privilege— before family and friends.

You can also lend the privilege you have as a result of your sex, race, education, financial means or otherwise to family or friends of your choice. While family members often share the same privileges, such as Dia, some siblings may be more able or inclined to accumulate more access to resources and power over their lifetime. Providing a personal reference for a friend who didn’t go to school with many professionals in their field or helping them navigate an unfamiliar corporate culture are both ways you can use your own privilege to help someone else. realize their potential.

Prepare a Sphere cocktail for your family and friends

Now that you’ve learned about the realm of family and friends, the pitfalls to avoid, the impact you can have there, and the factors that influence that impact, it’s time to apply the five-step model to this realm.

STEP 1: BASIC ASSESSMENT

Evaluate your investments in the family and friends sphere by examining the activities you identified in the Excel Impact Dashboard worksheet, Purpose Party Game Guideor wherever you worked. Edit or add to that list so it looks complete. When you’re satisfied that you’ve captured the activities you do in the sphere of family and friends, examine the total number of hours you spend there per week. You can also determine the percentage of time each week this sphere takes. Fill in whether you would do each activity more, less, or the same, then rate these three statements as they apply to your family and friends now, last year, and a year from now:

I invest time, energy and attention in the sphere of family and friends.

I am satisfied with the quantity and quality of my investments in the Sphere of Family and Friends.

I see the results of my investments in the sphere of family and friends.

STEP 2: WHAT DO YOU NEED IN THIS FIELD?

Determine if there is a change you can make in the sphere of your family and friends that will increase your well-being and/or the well-being of your family and friends. Identify a change in this sphere that you are willing to make during the next month, either that you do something you already do more regularly, stop something you’re doing now, or try a new activity. You may, instead, realize that it is not the area you need to prioritize. Write a simple, clear and measurable statement about what you want to change in the sphere of your family and friends. Remember that your statement of belief does not include exactly How you will reach the goal you set for yourself; you just identify yourself What you are going to do and Why it matters.

STEP 3: THE NEXT STEP

Once you believe What the result will be the change of something in the sphere of your family and friends and Why it matters, figure it out How to make that change. Focus on choosing one thing for this sphere, then be specific about what that activity will look like (at least to start; you can revise the details as you learn).

STEP 4: TAKE THAT STEP

Having a motivational statement helps keep you focused on why you’re doing all this work. Think about or write your answers to the following questions to help guide you in creating one.

• What will prevent you from building this new habit, either from the pitfalls we discussed in this chapter or from another reason?
• How can you overcome these obstacles?

Now write a simple, clear and measurable behavioral plan to keep you on track. Make sure this plan connects to the results you want to see from your family and friends activities.

STEP 5: KEEP AN EYE OUT

The only way to keep up with changes in perspective, work, life and the world and to make the necessary adjustments is to keep an eye on what you are doing and its consequences. Choose your preferred change tracking method and use it. Remember, the point here is not to beat yourself up if you don’t get exactly where you want to be. It’s just so you can see how it goes. Is the new activity really having the desired impact? Does it fit into your life or does it reveal something else you’d rather be spending your time on?

follow me LinkedIn for other inspiring leaders and their paths to deep impact, meaning and purpose. Or E-mail me to receive an Intentional Habits worksheet.