Divorce is brutal. It feels like everything has been stripped away – strength, power, courage – even friends who once felt like family. The world you knew has collapsed and trying to imagine the future seems impossible.

Rebuilding after divorce seems daunting, but it doesn’t have to be. I know because I was there. When my marriage of over twenty years ended, I suddenly became a single mother of nine children, sitting in the ruins of what I thought was forever mine.

I was lost, terrified and painfully alone. I had my children, but I had to be there for them – not the other way around. But in the dark moments, I found a powerful truth about healing after divorce: We have more power than we realize—even when everything seems upside down.

We are only one choice away from taking our lives back. Our happiness. To become a new and better version of ourselves.

I won’t pretend that divorce is easy or that the pain goes away overnight. But change is possible. And it all boils down to one decision: the decision to rebuild.

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The power of choice

research 2023 indicates that the decision to rebuild after a divorce is strongly influenced by factors such as the individual’s ability to process emotions, his level of self-esteem, the support network he has, the severity of the marital conflict and their resistance, in the initial phase. often focused on acknowledging and accepting the pain of divorce before moving on to rebuilding a new life.

have you ever felt paralyzed by indecisionNot sure whether to move forward or hold back?

I know that decisions seem impossible when our world no longer makes sense. But making decisions is what helps you slow things down and find your place.

It’s like Michael Jordan once said, “Once I made a decision, I never thought about it again.” At first, I didn’t understand how important it was. But when I started making choices, even small ones, my days started to change.

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When we make a decision, we no longer have to go back and forth about whether we should or shouldn’t. It just is. And it’s something we can get out of our minds, which are already overloaded.

In the beginning, indecision was my worst enemy. I was afraid to make a move, afraid I would make things worse. But I figured it out acting as well he was doing the exact opposite of helping me.

It was like I was playing with my life. I would jump back and forth, unsure, waiting for someone else to tell me what to do or putting off decisions for another day.

Looking back, it’s not surprising – I was at a low point and my confidence was gone. Somewhere in my marriage, I began to doubt myself. I thought I was no longer capable of making good choices. I even began to believe his words – that it was my fault. But that’s a story for another day.

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The decision that changed everything

One day, I made a decision that changed everything. I signed up for a masters swimming course. I’ve wanted to do it for years, but I let fear hold me back. I had a thousand excuses. My bathing suit looked bad, my bathing cap felt ridiculous, it was too early in the morning and I wasn’t good enough. The list goes on.

But this time, I stopped listening to my excuses. The decision was made and I was doing it whether I liked it or not. It wasn’t a big, dramatic move, but a small decision that gave me some sense of control in my life. A way to feel a little stronger, a something more empoweredand something to look forward to. I finally had a purpose and a mission I chose for myself.

I know it doesn’t seem like much (even though it was huge for me), but it was enough to completely change my mindset.

Every decision after that—whether to cook a healthy meal, go for a walk in nature, or choose to write over lying in bed on a really rough day—began to build my new foundation.

The more decisions I made, the more I began to trust myself again. It wasn’t about making the perfect choice; it was about learning that I could make choices and deal with whatever came next.

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If you’re wondering where to start healing after divorce, here are some steps that have helped me:

1. Start small. Choose one thing today – anything. Go for a walk, cook a meal, or call a friend who makes you feel good. The decision doesn’t have to be huge; it just has to be yours.
2. Have faith in yourself. You have this. Your past does not determine your future. Every small step takes you forward, even if you feel shaky right now.
3. Embrace imperfection. Leave perfect. Focus on moving forward. If a choice doesn’t feel right later, you can always change it.
4. Reflect. At the end of each day, think about what choices you made and what you learned. When we see our progress, we build our confidence.

RELATED: 9 Totally Independent Ways to Be Happy After Divorce or a Bad Breakup

Research by Frontiers in Psychology in 2022 on post-divorce healing indicates that recovery from divorce often involves grieving the loss of the marriage, managing complex emotions such as anger, sadness, and guilt, and gradually rebuilding one’s life with an emphasis on self-care, social support, and the development of coping mechanisms.

Studies show that the quality of pre-divorce relationships, individual resilience and access to support systems have a significant impact on the healing journey, with some individuals even experiencing positive post-traumatic growth after a divorce.

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Freedom to pivot

The truth is, until I stepped up and started making decisions, nothing changed. Every decision, no matter how small, built my confidence and put me on a path forward. And here’s the thing about decisions: they’re not set in stone. If something doesn’t feel right, we have the freedom to change directions.

We can always pivot. So ask yourself: What is one small thing I can decide today that moves me, even just a little bit, toward the life I want to build?

Finding purpose after divorce starts with small steps. No decision is too small; it doesn’t have to be life changing. Start anywhere – just start.

Real change comes from the act of deciding itself. When we choose to move forward, even in the smallest of ways, then we begin to rewrite our story.

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Julie Gaeta is a holistic health coach, yoga instructor, writer and wellness enthusiast. She writes about relationships, nutrition and tracking growth.